No More Pain
by xfeelingthis
Summary: Set during New Moon. What would have happened if Bella had never made friends with Jacob, and Edward had never returned? Written from many different POVs.
1. Chapter 1

A/N - As always, idea and characters are all on Stephanie Meyers.  
This is my first Twilight fanfic so any feedback is appreciated ^_^

I woke up to the sound of my alarm with a groan, the way I had done every single morning for the past 5 months. And thus, my morning routine began. My eyes automatically flickered around my room, searching for something... I mentally scolded myself. This had to stop. Shaking my head to dispel any thoughts of amber eyes and reddish brown hair, I grabbed my washbag and darted into the shower, mentally reciting some of my Biology work as I jumped under the flowing water. I gave a little groan again - Biology wasn't a safe mental topic yet, either. Very few were.

I was preparing breakfast when I heard Charlie come downstairs; he mumbled "Morning" as he thudded across the kitchen floor. I never looked up, busying myself with scrambled eggs. He cleared his throat, and said, louder, "Bella, did you take a cold shower this morning?"

I shrugged, genuinely not knowing. Things like temperature were now out of my mental sphere.

"That water was _freezing_ when I got in!" he added. I could feel his glare on the back of my head.

"I never noticed," I almost whispered, avoiding his eye contact as I began to dish his eggs onto a plate, setting it down on the table. I poured myself a small bowl of cereal and sat down too, taking the tiniest of sips from a glass of orange juice Charlie must have set out for me; I certainly never remembered doing it.

I swirled my spoon in my cereal, not taking a bite, eyes boring into the bowl but not remotely focussing as it turned to mush. My appetite had packed up and left about the same time he had.

_No, Bella, don't go there, don't do-_

"THAT'S IT, BELLA!"

Normally such a crash as Charlie hammered the table would have made me jump. Instead, it caused me only to raise my eyes slightly to look at his distraught face.

"I'm sending you home."

I blinked, confused. Had he been talking to me before? And what on earth could he mean?

"I am home," I replied, nowhere near hiding my confusion.

He paused, looking pained. "I'm sending you to Renee... to Jacksonville."

It took me a few moments to process what he was saying to me. "What... what did I do?" I said, voice cracking as tears flew to my eyes. It crossed the back of my mind somewhere that this would be the first time I had cried since that first week... _dangerous thoughts, Bella, dangerous thoughts!_

I tried so hard to pay attention, but I was no longer used to doing so. I quickly got the gist of what Charlie was saying to me. He told me I was lifeless. He told me he had waited as long as he could but I didn't seem to be getting any better. He told me he thought I needed to see a shrink.

I couldn't handle this. Not now. I thought I had been doing so well. I was a model student, a model daughter. I got up every single morning, (well, excluding that first week), I made breakfast, I went to school, I came home, I made dinner, I even studied. I never got into trouble. I never _gave_ Charlie any trouble. What more did he want from me?! Some drug-taking maniac?!

My mouth almost moved independently of my mind, and I vaguely heard myself telling him Florida was too hot to return. If I had been capable of it, I would have laughed at that. I hated the weather in Forks. But Florida... well, Florida never really had dark, rainy days, days where no sunlight could filter through the clouds...

I peeked up at him once more as his fist slammed the table. "We both know what's really going on here, Bella, and it's not good for you. It's been months... No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him."

I glowered at him as once more, my eyes stung my tears. That last comment felt like a knife had gone through my heart. He knew this wasn't a subject I was willing to talk about, not now, not ever.

"I have to get to school," I said thickly, choking on the lump rising rapidly in my throat, unceremoniously dumping my untouched breakfast into the sink as I flew from the room, grabbing my school bag and heading for the door.

"Bel-" I heard Charlie call after me, cutting him off with a loud slam of the front door.

I took a deep breath as I flopped down into the driver's seat, hands on the steering wheel. I couldn't face school. Not like this. I felt like I was going to have some sort of mental breakdown. I put my foot on the accelerator and I drove, paying no attention to where I was going, on autopilot as I had been for the last 5 months.

I caught sight of my reflection in my mirror as I saw a sleek silver car turn onto the road behind me; my heart caught in my throat before I saw the middle-aged woman driving it. Something made me look back at the mirror and I gasped.

I hadn't looked at myself properly in months, and now that I did, I saw what Charlie must have seen. My hair hung limp and flat against my head. My cheekbones protruded painfully, my skin looking like it was stretched too far. My skin itself was a ghastly pale, even more so than usual, and my eyes were rimmed with large, purple rings. My eyes themselves were flat, hollow... dead.

If I had been beautiful, I could easily have passed for one of them.

I stopped the car as I realised where I was; in La Push, at First Beach. I killed the engine and slowly hopped out of the car. Even in my robotic state, I could appreciate it's beauty. The dark gray water tumbled to the rocky shore, smashing it's way against the multicoloured pebbles that shimmed in the bright sunlight. There were huge, bleached driftwood trees scattering the beach, and birds darting through the air above me, calling to one another.

I slowly picked my way down to the beach, trying to find the driftwood log where I had met Jacob Black. Where I had then attempted to flirt with him and found out Edward's secret.

I gasped as the air went out of my lungs - it hurt to think his name. But now I had started, I couldn't stop. Memories came flooding back, now that the dam had been broken, and saltly tears began to pour down my face. Him telling me he loved me. Telling me forever. His beautiful topaz eyes staring deep into mines as we lay in my bed, me curled tight to his cold, solid, perfect form... Him leaving.

"WHY?!" I screamed to the waves, picking up the nearest piece of driftwood in a fit of rage and throwing it angrily to the ground. "WHY COULDN'T YOU BE HUMAN?!"

I thought back to him leaving once more, a memory I had blocked for so long... I thought of me telling him he had my soul, and it was true. When Edward had left, the most important chunk of me had left with him, and now I was little more than an empty shell, devoid of love.

I sunk to my knees on the pebbles, holding my hands to my face as a large sob escaped. This was pain like I had never felt it before; it was like being hit full force with a truck, tearing the breath from my body. I searched hopelessly for my denial, to revert to being a robot, but it was too late for that.

Charlie's words from this morning began to sink in... _"It's been months... No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him."_ I tried to process them and ignore my pain. He was right. Edward had told me he would always love me, in a way... _what a heap of shit!_ If he had felt anything at all for me he wouldn't have been able to leave me here to rot, to wallow, to wait for the rest of my life in the shallow hope somewhere in the back of my mind that he would come back.

What was I expecting?! For him to come charging back on a great white steed, scoop me up into his arms and carry me off into the sunset where we'd live happily ever after?! _Life isn't a fairytale,_ I thought harshly, cringeing at myself. How could I have possibly believed he'd come back?! He had promised me he wouldn't, and Edward never broke a promise... well, apart from one.

I instantly knew what Charlie had said was right. There was nothing for me in Forks but hollow, painful memories. I had been utterly consumed by my love for him - I still was - but clearly the feeling was not recuperated. He had lied so convincingly... I realised that when every tiny thing reminded me of Edward, from school to the weather to the large, mangled gap in my truck where my stereo should be, I was putting myself through an even harsher torture than he had. Everyday was a constant battle of blocking him from my head. He haunted me both in daylight and during my sleep, where I had no control at all over the nothingness plaguing my slumber.

"NO MORE!" I screamed, surprisingly myself as I leapt to my feet, stumbling.

It was as if I had turned on a light in my head. I suddenly realised it was freezing out here, and shivered; I could smell brine on the breeze, could properly absorb the crashing of the waves and the scream of seagulls overhead. I was hurting, hurting so badly, but I'd had an astounding realisation; I couldn't wait on Edward anymore.

I ran back to the truck, hardly even noticing as I tripped and stumbled my way across the pebbles. My mind was flashing to my college fund; enough to get me going, and Renee had given me an emergency credit card I had never once used, too. Charlie would be hurt, but I hoped he would understand, and that he wouldn't fret. He had gotten on fine without me before, and besides, he wanted me to leave.

The engine of my truck roared to life as I did a swift U-turn and sped away from the beach, suddenly focussing on what I was doing. Having mental clarity back was astounding; my heart raced and my senses were alive as I formulated my plan, the words I would write, mentally packing the crumpled up hold-all on top of my wardrobe.

I wasn't going to be some poor, comatosed little victim anymore. I wouldn't be haunted by his memory for the rest of my life, and the best way to start moving forward was to be away from everything that reminded me of him.

I felt stronger, exhilarated, free.

No more pain.


	2. Chapter 2

"Thank you so much for everything, Dr. Cullen. You've been fantastic."

"That's Carlisle to you!" I replied, flashing a warm smile and giving my patient's hand a gentle squeeze. "And I hope I don't see you anytime soon, Elisa!" She laughed at me and turned on her heel; I watched her walk away from the hospital doors to the awaiting cab. I stood waving as she turned out of the gates, and felt a warm feeling spread through me.

Centuries of healing and yet I never lost that feeling of exhilaration and joy when I truly helped someone. Elisa had been on death's door for months, and I had progressively watched her getting weaker as I got to know her, got to know about her life, her hopes, her dreams, her passions, her family. Watched her try to slowly come to terms with the prospect of leaving it all behind. And now, by one of God's miracles, she had a new heart.

I walked through one of the waiting rooms, looking at the familiar expressions around me; impatience, worry, despair, grief. I always wished I could have Jasper's power in the hospital, to be able to comfort those around me.

"Dr. Cullen?" said one of the nurses as I walked by a reception desk. I turned to her with another smile, and noticed her cheeks flush red. "Phone call for you... it's urgent."

I nodded and walked over, taking the phone from her outstretched hand. "Thanks, Rosemary." I paused and put the phone off of silent. "Carlisle Cullen speaking?"

"Carlisle?" the voice sounded oddly familiar, but most of all I detected a note of panic and even anger in his voice. "It's Charlie." I raised my eyebrows. "Charlie Swan."

"Charlie, of course! How are you?" As cheerful as my voice was, my brows furrowed. Why on earth would Bella's Dad be phoning me? And how on earth did he get my number? Evidently, Edward had not covered our trail quite as well as he thought. _Or perhaps he was hoping she could get in touch_, I mused, listening intently.

There was an uneasy, long silence. "Well, Carlisle..." he trailed off, clearing his throat, "I'm not so good."

My frown deepened. This couldn't be a medical issue; I was thousands of miles away from Charlie. I could guess this was something to do with Bella. _The lost member of my family_, I sighed, remembering the abrupt way in which Edward had insisted we leave, and then took off himself not long after. I had lost both a son and a daughter due to his self-hatred... and if I was honest with myself I was yet to recover from the gaping hole in my existence, and yet to come to terms with the prospect of never seeing Bella again. I welcomed her, as a human, into our family with open arms and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't looked forward to her eventually transforming, and Edward finally having a partner for life. Selfish, perhaps, but I loved my son, and I wanted him to be happy, more than anything. And now he was miserable, depressed, isolated from all of us. The impact of his departure was very visible in all of us, even Rosalie; it was like we all had an Edward-shaped gap missing from our lives. Alice had visibly wilted, and whilst still cheerful, was not quite herself. Emmett missed having something to tease, Jasper missed having someone for his intellectual discussions, Rosalie missed... well, having someone to piss off, and Esme... if Esme could have wept she would have done nothing but for the past 5 months. She was utterly broken.

But I knew all of our feelings, combined, paled in comparison to the misery my son was putting himself through.

"Anything I can do for you, Charlie?"

"Well... I'm really sorry to disturb you with this, Carlisle, but I had to track you down. I was just wondering if you had heard from Bella," he said, his voice thickening as he said his daughter's name.

I sat down at the desk; I had a feeling this was going to be a long phone call. "No, I haven't... is something wrong?" I bit my lip, wondering what was going on.

He heaved a huge sigh. "Yes." I stayed silent, waiting for him to elaborate. "Bella's gone, Carlisle."

My eyebrows nearly disappeared into my forehead at that. _Gone?_ Her death would kill Edward... I shook my head sharply. Charlie asked if I had heard from her. I was getting more confused by the minute. "I'm afraid I don't understand what you-"

"She left," he cut across me, almost impatiently. "I came home two days ago to find a goodbye note telling me she had to leave and not to look for her... that she didn't know where she was going, not to worry, and that she'd be safe." He sighed again; this seemed to have become his character sound. "How I'm supposed to not worry, I don't know. I've been calling everyone to know to see where she went and I suppose you guys were my last option." He gave a dry chuckle. "And you're not an easy man to get a hold of, Carlisle."

I gave a wan smile; clearly Edward's cover-ups were no match for a distressed father. I could hardly believe Bella could leave; she knew how much her father loved her, how much he depended on her.

"I'm worried she's going to do something stupid," he half whispered.

"Stupid?" I implored, the frown returning to my face, relieved that vampires couldn't get wrinkles.

"Well... just the way she's been lately... it wouldn't surprise me. She needs help."

"Help?"

"After... you know... you left. It was horrible, Carlisle. I've never seen anything like it." He sounded hurt, upset. "She spent a full week in bed, crying, refusing to talk to me. She didn't eat and I sure as hell don't think she slept, either." I sighed... I had expected as much. I knew Bella was filled with an all-consuming love for my son and for him to leave in such a way... I had never condoned Edward's plan, yet I had to respect my son's wishes. I had a feeling I was going to regret that decision. "Then she just became... catatonic is the only word. She went to school everyday, done all of her homework, her chores, without a peep. She never ever mentioned what had happened. She just walked about, and she looked like... death on legs. I don't even know how to describe it, Carlisle. It was painful to watch."

Oh, the irony, that following his departure Bella had become "death on legs", as Charlie so eloquently put it. And what had she been striving to become all along? One of the undead.

This news was very disconcerting. Bella could hardly last an hour without tripping, falling, or some calamity, yet now she was out on her own, no-one to talk to or help her... and if she was in the state Charlie had described that was very worrying indeed. In that sort of mental state the last thing she needed was to be alone in an alien place. Also, Bella had an uncanny ability to find trouble wherever she went. The fact it often involved stumbling onto our kind was another major concern.

"I... I'm very sorry to hear that, Charlie. I really don't know what to say."

"It's not _your_ fault, Carlisle," he said hastily; I could tell exactly who he was blaming. "She wasn't in love with you," he added, bitterly.

"Well, it was my fault the family had to leave," I lied swiftly.

"But was it your decision for Edward to cut contact with her completely?" he countered angrily - I could tell this anger was not directed at me.

I couldn't argue with that. "No, it wasn't," I replied softly, my mind still wandering as I pictured the thousands of places Bella could be. Where would she go? Where would she stay? What the hell was she thinking?

"I... I think it was my fault she left," Charlie mumbled, his voice cracking. "The day she left... we had a bit of an argument that morning." There was a long, tense pause. "I told her I wanted her to go to stay with her mother, in Florida." His voice dropped to a mere whisper. "I told her she had to stop waiting for Edward to come back."

That stung, but it made sense. Aside from the presence of my son and my family, Bella hated Forks; there was nothing to keep her there. Somewhere deep in her subconscious, she must have been praying my son would return. And Charlie's comments were enough to kick-start her into thinking he wouldn't.

In my unbeating heart, I knew with time he would have. Being apart from Bella was destroying him, and eventually the grief would become too much. Although trying to do what he thought was best for Bella, all of us could be selfish at times, and I had hoped this side of Edward would take over sooner.

And now it was too late.

"Oh, Charlie," I said sympathetically, "you can't blame yourself."

He sighed. "Yeah, well... I'm sorry to have bothered you, Carlisle. Can you please just... let me know if you do hear from her?"

"Of course I will. Keep your chin up; Bella's a bright girl. She'll be home soon enough," I replied, my voice convincing Charlie but not myself.

"I hope so," he said sadly, his voice heavy. "Goodbye, Carlisle."

He hung up the phone before I could say anything more. I placed the receiver down gently, and took a mere moment to think about what I could to do help. Edward had forbidden it, but circumstances had changed... and so far away, he had no way of knowing.

I quickly told Rosemary that I had a family emergency and had to leave; normally she would have protested or enquired further but following my most charming smile she watched me leave without so much as a nod of her head. I raced home in my Mercedes, skidding to a halt in front of our newest home; it was very similar to our old home in Forks. That had been one of Rosalie's pre-requisites about our move. I darted up the steps at a speed much greater than a human - the trip from the car through the door took less than a second. The whole journey had been swift, and I had never driven so hastily in my life. Speed was of the essence here.

"Alice!" I shouted (unnecessarily,) from the hallway. Within seconds she was standing in front of me, her black eyes bright as they looked at me curiously.

"Why are you h-"

"I need you to do something for me, now," I cut her off, taking her hand.

"Anything, Carlisle," she said confidently, with a brisk dip of her head.

"Look for Bella's future."

She paused, her eyebrows knotting together. "But Edward said-"

"Things have changed. Do it now."


	3. Chapter 3

I couldn't help but surpress a chuckle as my eyes roamed the vast CD collection entirely concealing the wall from view. It really was ridiculous, the mountain he had built up over nearly a century. And CDs hadn't even existed that long. I didn't have the move closer to read the titles, but I glided over anyways, running my finger along the spine of the album covers. I smiled sadly and wiped the dust onto my jeans; when Edward was here the cases were kept immaculately clean, but now he had gone they had fallen victim to neglect.

My black eyes quickly found the remote and turned on his sound system; instantly Debussy filled the room. I gracefully retreated to the leather sofa and sighed, contemplating messing up his order of year, then preference within it, purely for the look on his face when he came home to see them messed up. It never ceased to amaze me that out of all the time Edward had to pursue any interest whatsoever, he would waste spending hours organising a CD collection. The order of preference changed on an almost weekly basis. He'd blow a fuse when he saw what I'd done.

_**If**__ he comes back_, I mused. I looked into Edward's future every single day, and in not one of the possibilities did I see him coming back to our home. Yet every single vision involved Bella. And the vast majority involved her becoming one of us.

I wished constantly he would just resign himself to it and come home, but Edward was stubborn, and he never could just accept the inevitable, even if it was tearing him apart to try and resist his destiny.

He was being so selfish, too. Esme was little more than an empty shell. Carlisle tried to conceal his grief, but we could all see it; he loved Edward more than the rest of his "children" and it was someone had amputated a limb. Emmett wasn't quite so loud and boisterous, Jasper had become even quieter (if that was possible) and Rosalie was even less of a bitch than usual. I didn't need to look to Bella's future to know it was bleak; she would be utterly destroyed. I ached to go and comfort her but Edward had forbidden it...

And I... _I miss you, brother._

It was hard to be happy without Edward. We shared a close bond and always had done, due to our strange abilities. For me, Edward was as much a part of the furniture as Carlisle was, and in his absence it was clear just how vital he was to our family.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by the purr of Carlisle's car in the distance. I barely moved. I was alone in the house; the others had gone to hunt, but I had declined to join them. It seemed so pointless now that I never spent any time around humans anymore; as far as the students of Forks High were concerned, myself and my "siblings" had moved to a boarding school, and without a concrete reason to leave the house in weeks my eyes had turned black as coal. In my grief, I hardly even noticed the hunger anymore.

Jazz was worried, I knew it, but I loved him even more so for giving me some space. Our relationship didn't need words or touch; our bond ran so deep that a mere look from him was enough, for the time being. I knew the others worried about how much I was isolating myself, but for now, I needed to think. To preserve my memories. To make sure I was entirely up to speed on Edward's future plans. Me and Jasper had an eternity, anyways; what was a couple of months to forever?

I heard Carlisle move fluidly from the car to the house, yet did not move until I heard his name. Noting the tone of urgency in his voice, I flew down the stairs, pausing before him in the hallway.

Now I was starting to get curious. This had to be important, for Carlisle to leave the hospital; it would practically take an impending alien attack for him to even consider leaving. "Why are you h-"

"I need you to do something for me, now," he said instantly, taking hold of my hand.

I gave a brief dip of my head. Anything for my father. "Anything, Carlisle."

"Look for Bella's future."

I paused. _What?!_ I furrowed my brows. Edward had specifically forbidden this. "But Edward said-"

"Things have changed. Do it now."

I blinked up at Carlisle, itching to ask him more, but that was not the done thing. If Carlisle wanted me to... and it sounded important... he wouldn't ask if it wasn't. Whilst Carlisle didn't agree with Edward's decision, he certainly respected it; after all, Edward was nearly 100 years old and more than mature enough to make his own mistakes. That was the only reason we had obeyed his orders to leave Bella well alone and not to interfere with her life.

But Edward wasn't here.

I took a deep breath (force of human habit, one that I had yet to get rid of after all of my years of not requiring to breathe) and closed my eyes, focussing with all my heart on Bella. I tried and tried and tried to picture her in my minds eye, for what seemed like an eternity, but all I saw was nothingness.

After several minutes of dead ends, I started to panic. What could this mean?!

"Carlisle, I can't find her!" I cried, my voice high pitched. She couldn't be... he wouldn't have asked me to... not if he thought she was... "Dead?" I mumbled, barely realising I had spoken aloud.

Carlisle shook his head. "Just gone. She ran," he said simply, his amber orbs searching my own onyx ones. "Please, Alice. Don't panic. You have to try."

He was right, of course. Carlisle was always right. His gaze soothed me as my rational thought processes took over. It would be hard to see Bella, after so long apart from her; the more frequently I looked into someone's future, the easier it was to do so. Also, it was easier when the subject was in close proximity, which Bella was obviously not.

I thought of Bella running. I thought of how sad and alone she must have felt, must be feeling, and couldn't help but feel a surge of anger flare up at Edward for putting her through this. I loved Bella, and it hurt to leave her so abruptly. I hoped she knew how much I cared, and that I left against my own will. I hoped she realised how much of a fucking idiot my brother was being.

And I hoped, more than anything, that she didn't do anything stupid.

Carlisle was still staring at me. I slowly closed my eyes once more and allowed my subconscious mind to wander. I saw flashes of still images, in sepia tone... Bella wrapped up in huge jackets and fake fur hats, Bella lying in the sun, Bella ski-ing down a snowy mountain and falling over, Bella horse-riding through a forest...

"Carlisle, they keep changing!" I uttered; her mind was all over the place.

Only one image kept flashing up repeatedly.

Bella, at an airport, her eyes scanning the departures board, deep in thought.

"She's going to be at an airport soon," I finally said, opening my eyes. Carlisle nodded gratefully, striding into the living room. I hastened after him as he flipped open his phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked, studying his face intently as he hit some keys.

"Calling him."

If I had had a heart, it would have skipped a beat. "Who?"

He turned his attention to the phone. "Edward?"


	4. Chapter 4

The pain had yet to subside. If anything, it was getting worse. It did not come in lulls, like the waxing and waning of the moon; it was a constant, torturous throbbing racking through my bloodless veins, the broken record that was my mind perpetually playing the most vibrant, spellbinding, euphoric note in the song that was my existence.

I had never been carefree in love, I couldn't afford to be, not with someone so special and fragile in my grasp. Yet, despite the continual self restraint I had to exert around her, I had never been happier.

When I fell inexplicably into love with my angel, it was as if the sun came up on my never-ending gloom of night. She came into my life and set everything alight, dazzling me with her beautiful soul, giving me a reason to be, completing me. There had been a huge void in my life, before she appeared; I had been the odd man out, desolate, longing for something yet not knowing what, and then she appeared and filled that gaping hole. My one, my everything, my soul mate. And now, it was emptier than ever.

I had known when I left that it would be near impossible to get over my one true love, but being apart from her had utterly destroyed me in a way I could never have predicted. I knew not if I had been here for an hour, a day, a year... what did it matter? An eternity without her would be an eternity of nothing. I had returned to my perennial night.

Words simply could not describe the excruciating pain I was enduring. I could liken it only to the pain of a blind man who has his sight returned to him, his life altered completely as he finds himself able to truly appreciate the awe of the world around him, before having it cruelly torn from him again and returning to infinite darkness. Nothing would the same; he would only be able to weep for what he had lost.

I knew it was pathetic of me, to be wallowing in this bottomless pit of despair, but it was unavoidable. Before I had experienced true love, it was incomprehensible how agonizing the pain of seperation would be... I had only watched those in love around me constantly, but I had never truly understood the tenderness behind every touch, every stolen glance, every blissful moment spent together, the excitement of seeing their face, the sorrow at being apart. How it felt to know that you would sacrifice every ounce of yourself, endure any amount of torture purely to spare them from any harm. I could never understand how every conscious thought could be dedicated to one sole being, how someone could never just "pop" into your head, because they were never truly out of your thoughts. The unimaginable mangle of feelings exploding during every touch, every hug, every kiss...

A tearless sob escaped my body and I wished, as I had done so often since my departure from Forks, that I could cry, and allow the heartache to manifest itself and escape from my body. I knew my eyes must now be stygian, a mirror image of the bleakness of my never-beating heart. I cared not. I never noticed hunger anymore; it was like a tiny, meek voice straining against the ceaseless screaming of her name.

I fretted over her, constantly. Inside my mind a series of conflicts raged constantly; should I have stayed, to protect her? She was so delicate, so weak, and I couldn't help but worry about every single thing that could happen to her. Disease, assault, tripping over her own two feet... every human was easily injured but throw her blunderous nature into the mix, coupled with the radar that drew her to anything remotely dangerous within a 100 mile radius, and you had a recipe for disaster. I reminded myself that I was the most dangerous thing she could encounter, and therefore the worst she was liable to do was to graze her hand. Even at that, the thought of her getting hurt horrified me.

The second army of thought viciously attacking my will raised their weapons and I had to brace myself - this platoon had the most convincing argument, and it took every shred of resolve within me to resist. She only had a limited amount of time left on this earth. Every second that ticked by, she was one step closer to the end of her life; one step closer to finding someone, settling down, having a family, growing old with someone who loved her. This was what caused the laceration to my heart. Unfair was not the word for it, knowing that I could never give her what every person deserved from life, that we could never have had a "normal" relationship, that I could never kiss her or hold her or make love to her without a constant fear it would be me to prematurely end her life. What had I done to deserve this?

_Monster_, a low voice hissed in the back of my mind, and I hung my head. _Murderer._ I didn't deserve her. I never would. No matter how I tried to escape what I was, I could not. Just to be with her, to touch her, to smell her without fear of what the beast within wanted to do... I would walk to the ends of the earth for it. I would die a thousand mortal deaths, just to spend one lifetime with her. I would forsake my family if it went I could be with my paramour, so all-consuming was my love... I could almost feel my willpower weakening as I pictured her in my mind, looking at me with grief in her almond-shaped brown eyes, staring at me in disbelief. How could I hurt her so?

Sensing the time was right, the cavalry reared their ugly heads and I hung my head in my hands. _She wanted you, forever._ She wanted me, she wanted to be one of us, she wanted to spend an eternity side by side with me. But how could I possibly do that to her, someone so pure, so untainted, so good? I could not condemn her soul, I could not turn her into a hellion, no matter how huge a part of me longed for nothing but her, forever. I could not subject her to a lifetime of darkness and bloodthirst. I _had_ to endure this pain; to save her, it would all be worth it. Well, so I tried to convince myself.

I constantly told myself that she was human, and although I had to hurt her, had to make her believe I didn't want her, (and how could she?!), she would eventually forget me. Humans were surprisingly resilient, and the wounds would heal. She would move on. She would spend her life with someone who was not a monster, and there would be a day where she could no longer picture my face, remember my voice, her memories of the times we shared fuzzy and practically forgotten.

The beast within me roared with jealousy at this thought as rage consumed me. _Why did you do this to me, Carlisle?!_ Almost as soon as this idea passed my mind, I dismissed it angrily. I could never blame my father for this, and I would never resent nor regret that he had transformed me. I loved him, I loved my family, and they had shown their loyalty to me when they instantly packed up and left, even if I could hear their despair and unhappiness with my plan. They had taken my word and left me to it, not making or attempting to make any form of contact since I left. I sighed. I missed them. I even missed Rosalie.

The devil inside me took this opportunity to whisper a sly thought. _You could turn her... she could be yours, forever._ This, again, was an idea that never fully escaped my mind, but one I could not allow myself to dwell on. Even stronger than the disgrace I would feel at turning her into a monster was the fear that I wouldn't be able to stop... and living with the knowledge I had killed her, the image of her pale white corpse imbedded in my brain for all the ages, would destroy me utterly, pain me even more than being apart from her did.

I sighed again. _How could any greater pain be possible?_

My head snapped up as a vibrating noise shattered the silence. I looked to the floor of the cabin in disbelief; my cell phone was still working, it's battery not yet spent. Perhaps I hadn't been here for very long at all... I flicked it open and my eyes narrowed as I looked at the date. Five months since I had left Forks? Unbelievable. Five long, excruciating months where any number of terrible fates could have befallen her...

I answered the call without saying anything. I could hardly remember how to speak.

"Edward?"

I registered that this was my father, and decided I had better reply.

"Carlisle?"

"Son. I..." he paused, apparently struggling for words. "You need to come home."

I frowned. No. I needed to deal with this unending grief on my own; I would not subject them to seeing me like this, little more than a statue. It would destroy Esme. "I can't," I whispered, suddenly overcome with emotion as I thought of my mother, her heartbroken thoughts pounding in my mind as she watched me leave...

"Edward, you have to!" a high-pitched voice yelled in the background. _Alice_. Again, I felt another stab in my heart at the sound of my sister...

"I can't," I repeated, this time with less conviction. I had been so utterly consumed with thoughts of my love that, although I missed my family, I hadn't realised entirely how much. Speaking to them was driving this home.

"It's Bella." I felt a fresh onslaught on knife wounds as I heard her name spoken; my whole body was numb as my mind went into a state of panic. What could have happened to her?! She couldn't be... not... no... NO!

"What?! What is it?! Tell me now, Carlisle, TELL ME NOW!" I roared urgently, leaping to my feet for the first time in months and resenting the fact that I couldn't read either of their thoughts. She couldn't be gone, she couldn't be, she had to be fine, I couldn't live with myself if anything had happened to her-

"Just come home. Now. We need to talk... face to face," he said firmly; I could tell from the finality of his tone of voice that no amount of persuading or wheedling would break him and allow him to tell me over the phone.

In less than half a second my phone was snapped shut and I was through the window, tearing through the snow, my legs little more than a blur and churning up a stream of white behind me as I pelted south, my mind racing and repeating the one name over and over and over.

_Bella._


	5. Chapter 5

I could feel the panic in the air before we even reached the house.

I stopped dead in my tracks; Emmett swiftly joined me at my side, his eyes questioning mine, his blood-stained lips curling into a frown.

"Something's wrong," I replied simply to his unanswered question, my muscles tensing, itching to run, to get home to my wife and comfort her as soon as possible. He nodded.

"Rose, Esme, hurry up!" he said quickly, not bothering to raise his voice - there was no need. Within seconds my "mother" and "sister" came sprinting through the trees, an irritated look on Rosalie's pretty face as she stopped and smoothed her hair; she hated to be told what to do by anyone, especially Emmett. I inwardly rolled my eyes.

Esme stopped beside me, her warm eyes anxious, her motherly gaze automatically swooping over myself and Emmett for signs of anything wrong. I smiled wanly - as if anything out here could cause us any harm. But it was a force of habit, for Esme; Edward had once alikened her to a mother hen with her chicks, and I felt it was pretty apt. "What's wrong, Jasper?"

I shrugged. "Something's not right... shall we?" I added, indicating in the direction of our home with a gentle nod.

We took off simultaneously, no more than a blur as we dodged effortlessly through the trees. Esme led the way, clearly extremely worried; I raised my eyebrows as she darted up one of the pines closest to our house and leapt gracefully as a panther through an open window. We followed suit, landing in the kitchen and dashing out onto the stairwell.

I could hear movement from the living room. Without a moment's hesitation, Emmett leapt over the bannister, bypassing the stairs completely, and disappeared through the door. I felt Esme stiffen at this action, but then, possibly after remembering her own undignified entrance into our home, she followed him.

When we convened in the living room, I noiselessly padded to Alice's side, placing one hand on the small of her back. She was the one who was radiating panic, like some noxious fume; it pained me to feel her fear. I instantly spread a cloud of calm around her, engulfing her in a tight grip the way I wanted to. She turned to look at me, thanking me silently with her coal black eyes.

Everyone looked expectantly to Carlisle. He gave a low sigh. "It's Bella."

The reactions from the others were interesting, to say the least. From myself, a stab of guilt - although I knew in my heart that following Lauren'ts attack Edward had constantly been harbouring a raging battle of emotions, pondering whether to leave Bella and "save" her, my lapse had been enough to tip the scales. A rush of love from Esme, with a lining of concern; affection from Emmett, coupled with confusion; curiosity from Rosalie, with the bitter taste of jealousy. I was used to this response from Rosalie, but I had yet to work out why, and I'd be damned if I was going to ask for fear of losing a limb. So many conflicting emotions left me feeling agitated, so I rapidly extended my sphere of calm to submerge the others. Rosalie narrowed her eyes almost imperceptibly - again, due to her dislike of anyone trying to control her - yet she said nothing, her gaze never leaving Carlisle. Normally, she would have said something, but I think she could tell no-one would appreciate her pettiness at the moment.

"Her father phoned me today," he continued, his bright eyes scanning each of us before resting on his wife. "She's gone."

"Gone?" Esme replied instantly, her pitch increasing. "What do you mean?"

"She ran away. Left a note for her father two days ago... saying she had to leave, and she didn't know where he was going."

I frowned as Alice took my already outstretched hand; I enclosed it over her delicate one and gave it a gentle squeeze. From what little Alice and Edward had told me of Charlie Swan, he was fairly dependent on his daughter, and after so long alone had grown to love her company. This would tear him apart, and Bella knew that. Why, then, would she leave?

I felt Alice's gaze on me once more and I turned to face her, feeling an overwhelming urge to scoop her up and hold her close - she looked so frantic, so upset. Instantly I understood. To lose Alice would be an indescribable hell for me; she was my soulmate, the very reason for my existence, and if she suddenly vanished I... I would be lost, I would be inconsolable, and I would feel utterly alone.

I felt a lot of guilt, for Edward leaving and for the grief he was suffering; it had been almost unbearable to be near him when we left Forks. Every second was like an onslaught of knives onto my mind, his anguish tearing into me. I had tried to calm him, to ease his suffering, yet no amount of soothing waves on my behalf could aid him. In any case, he hadn't wanted my help - he felt that he should suffer. Knowing that my brother was alone, trying to battle his grief, and knowing I had, in part, caused it, was utterly soul destroying, and it preyed on my mind every minute of every day. Despite this, I realised I had given little thought to how Bella must be feeling.

And it would be torturous. Possibly even worse than what Edward was feeling; because, despite every shrapnel of woe embedded in his body, he could cling onto his belief that what he had done was for the greater good, the ultimate sacrifice to protect the one he loved. As the uneasy seconds ticked by, I began to doubt that he had done Bella any favours. To lose Edward was torment enough, but to lose him with little explanation, and to be told he had never loved her in the first place - it was the very cruellest form of kindness. It almost hurt, just to imagine the pain she would be in.

I knew how much she loved him. Whenever they were together, I was automatically drawn to Bella; her feelings of love and happiness radiated from her like rays from the sun, and had it been visible, she would have shone just as brightly. But coupled with her joy, there was a constant undercurrent of longing, and it was easy to tell what she longed for. And who could begrudge her it? Who wouldn't want to spend an eternity with the one they loved? Mortality was a small price to pay.

It had all been taken from her. Her love, her future family, any chance of her making the transformation and cementing the future she coveted every second. Every day, she would be faced with constant reminders of Edward, of what she had lost. Every day, a fresh onslaught of pain filling the empty shell he had left behind.

Who wouldn't run?

"What do we do?" Emmett asked, his voice breaking the silence.

"What do you mean, what do we do?" Rosalie snapped, scowling at her husband, her tone furious. "Edward made his choice. We leave the human. She's no longer relevant."

"I called Edward. He's on his way home right now," Carlisle replied, in a low voice.

I strained to contain my joy. Although I knew it would be difficult to be around him, I missed my brother, very much so, and I longed for his company.

"You _what_?!" Rosalie barked, raising her voice, her eyes furious. Tension surrounded us - no-one else would dare to speak to Carlisle in that manner. I felt Alice go rigid beside me.

"He has a right to know, Rose," Carlisle replied calmly, attempting to diffuse the situation. "He loves her."

"Loved," she countered.

"No, loves," Alice replied, the first I had heard her speak in days - she was so quiet now, and we spent most of our time together embracing, me surrounding her with tenderness and allowing her some false happiness. She missed Bella, moreso than the rest of us. She had found a best friend in her, and it pained her to be apart, wracked with guilt for not even saying goodbye.

"And what good do you think this is going to do?!" Rosalie snarled, ignoring Alice completely, her glare reserved for Carlisle.

"He would want to know," he said, refusing to rise to Rosalie's bait. "It's only a matter of time before some part of him gives in, we all know that. Alice foresees Bella joining us-"

"She's not always right!"

"This is one of my most concrete visions," Alice said swiftly, defending Carlisle, her bell-like voice in stark contrast to Rosalie's harsh, angry words.

"You saw Edward when we left, Rosalie," Carlisle added simply. "He was destroyed. If he found out something had happened to Bella, well... I don't want to imagine what he'd do. He'd blame himself, you know he would."

"Who says he'd ever have to know?"

"Well, he does now," Esme said sharply, an air of finality to her tone. "I'm worried about her. We need to try and find her."

For the first time, Rosalie's gaze searched all of our faces; we all looked back at her, our eyes as set as our minds. She let out a frustrated snarl.

"I can't _believe _you're all entertaining this!" she thundered, shooting us all one parting ferocious glare before dashing out of the door, slamming it so hard behind her the wall visibly shook. The strength of her anger was not unusual; Rosalie was tempestuous, prone to child-like bursts of rage.

We stayed silent as we heard her car burst to life; no voice broke the silence until the purr of her engine had long faded into the distance.

Emmett turned to Alice - her eyes glazed over momentarily before she looked up to him. "There's no point following her, she'll be back within the hour."

I rolled my eyes. Drama queen.

I looked down at Alice, my hand still locked firmly around hers. "How long will he be?"

After a moment, she said confidently, gleefully, "Here by nightfall."

Carlisle nodded and strode over to one of the long, elegant sofas, throwing himself down onto it and placing his head in his hands. Alice led me to the opposite, waiting until I took a seat before curling up against me, resting her head on my chest, our hands locked.

It was going to be a long wait.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N** - First off, I've been totally overwhelmed by the amount of people adding this to their Author Alerts etc, so thank-you so much, it means a lot to me that people want to continue reading!

Thanks for the reviews I've had so far, they really inspire me to keep ploughing on so as always any more would be greatly appreciated ^_^

Apologies that this is a bit of a filler chapter but I didn't want to miss out her journey completely... next chapter should be Edward though so hang on for that =P

The song I've got in here is Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You) - Aqualung, and if you've never heard it, SHAME ON YOU!

And a great big HAPPY NEW YEAR when it comes!

**Chapter 6**

It was only when I actually blacked out at the wheel for a few seconds that I decided I had to stop.

I had driven solidly across the country for nearly 13 hours, my mind whirring, hardly focussing on the road. After I had thrown my hastily packed bag in the back of the truck and started the ignition, I realised I had no idea where to go. I drove towards Port Angeles, stopping at a grocery store to pick up some supplies; now that my senses had switched back on I realised I was starving. Four bags of potato chips, a bag of Hershey's Kisses and three bottles of Red Bull later, I was back on the road.

When I cast my mind around for a destination that I could drive to, I was stumped. I settled on driving to Seattle, for the time being, and seeing where I ended up. It seemed like I arrived in no time at all.

As I drove through the city streets, I decided to swallow my pride and ask someone for some directions. Better yet, ask someone for some idea of where to go. I chucked a little as I imagined asking. _"Hey there, I've run away from home, I was wondering if you could think of anywhere for me to run to?"_ Yep, that would probably go down just great.

I wandered past rows of parked cars, absent-mindedly reading the number plates. _Montana, North Dakota, Oregeon_... I stopped in front of a Silver Volvo. _New York._ My eyes flickered over the car, from it's Empire State Building air freshener to the I (heart) NY sticker on the rear window. In that instant, I was decided.

As a child, I had always wanted to go to New York, to see the big city lights, go up the Empire State Building, go to Central Park (I had always been a lover of Friends, and wanted to find out if the coffee shop was really there.) The older I got, the idea faded to the back of my mind, but why not now? I had all the time in the world.

I hopped into an internet café, quickly printed some directions from Google maps, downed a bottle of Red Bull, then I was on the road again. The states merged into one as I drove along the seemingly endless highway, differentiated only by the road signs... _You are now leaving Washington... welcome to Montana, the Treasure State! You are now leaving Montana... welcome to North Dakota, the Roughrider State! You are now leaving North Dakota... Minnesota welcomes you! You are now leaving Minnesota... welcome to Wisconsin, America's Dairyland!_

As darkness rapidly fell, I passed briefly through Illinois and Indiana (_Mile after magnificent mile_ and _Restart your engines!,)_ and had just made it over the border into Ohio (_The Birthplace of Aviation!)_ before I nearly collapsed at the wheel. A few miles along the road, I pulled into the nearest motel - the Econo-Lodge Montpelier, a fine one-star establishment. By this point, I couldn't care less; nearly 13 hours of solid driving, and all I wanted was a bed and a shower.

After a quick chat with the overly-friendly receptionist, (who made no sign of trying to conceal giving me a once-over), I had the key to my fifty buck room. I had the intention of showering and having a nutritious dinner of Hershey's and potato chips, but the second I ditched my hold-all and flopped down onto the bed to test it out I was out like a light.

***

I woke up the next morning feeling groggy but slightly less exhausted; I checked my watch and groaned. _10am_. With only an hour til checkout, I had the quickest shower in the history of showers, towel-dryed my hair to the best of my ability (the cheapest rooms had no hairdryer,) tried to turn on the TV with the sticky remote but found only one channel was working and it was ESPN (no thanks,) shoved everything complimentary into my hold all and was checked out by 5 to 11. After a quick stop at McDonald's for my breakfast and receiving some odd looks due to my damp hair, I chowed down my Sausage McMuffin and I was back on the road once more, the radio and autopilot both firmly switched on.

Two hours later, I found myself leaving Ohio and being welcomed graciously into Pennyslvania - _The State of Independence!_ - and smiled to myself. I was now on the last leg of my journey. I swiftly checked my Google directions and my smile quickly turned upside down. 369 miles clean across the state. Not the longest part of my drive, sure, but this was going to feel like forever.

I was right.

300 miles in, and the radio made me want to drive into a tree.

_I've been watching your world from afar,  
I've been trying to be where you are,  
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.  
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,  
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,  
You turn every head but you don't see me._

_Why does God hate me?!_ I mused to myself, feeling my eyes start to well up. I had managed to avoid thoughts of him since leaving Forks, from a combination of tiredness and switching my brain off (only keeping my foot on the pedal and my eyes on the road,) but this song had always made me think of him, since the first day we met. It felt so appropriate now; me, on the outside, longing for his world, his life, knowing that we were meant to be together for an eternity.

But he disagreed.

_I'll put a spell on you,  
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.  
And when I wake you,  
I'll be the first thing you see,_

_And you'll realise that you love me._

If only there was something I could do, anything, to make him see how wrong he was. How perfect we were. How we were made for each other. But he didn't love me, and the look on his face of disdain and cool detachment had told me everything I needed to know. I felt the tears silently stream down my face as I drove, shaking slightly, picturing him over and over in my mind. Some part of me knew I should change the station, but I couldn't bring myself to do it; this was a beautiful song, and maybe, just maybe, thinking of him and not bottling it all up was just what I needed to start getting over him

_Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,  
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,  
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,  
Sometimes..._

_I'll put a spell on you,  
You'll fall asleep,  
I'll put a spell on you,  
And when I wake you,  
I'll be the first thing you see,  
And you'll realise that you love me._

Urgh. _Getting over him_. I knew in my heart that this was going to be the most difficult thing I had ever set out to do in my entire life, and I doubted that following a love so all-consuming, so _right_, I would ever be able to.

But I had to try.

I wiped my eyes as the song drew to a close, smiling to myself as Rihanna came on. He would have _hated_ this song. _Edward_, I corrected myself mentally. _Edward would have hated this song._ In order to accept my loss I had to stop trying not to think of his name, or his smell, or his soulful amber eyes gazing at me as I woke up first thing in the morning...

The next 69 miles were spent on thoughts of Edward, happy memories, and eventually the well of tears ran dry. I should be happy that I had known love, and I knew there would never be another man I could give my heart and soul to the way I had to Edward. I couldn't help it if he never felt the same. A part of me doubted him when he said he never had, but what could I do? I had to accept it; he was gone, now I was gone, and I was never going to see him again.

_Welcome to New Jersey - Come See For Yourself!_

I couldn't help but grin as I drove towards the Lincoln tunnel, feeling a huge sense of achievement that I had managed to get here unscathed. I wasn't sure how long I would spend in New York, what I would do or see, where I would stay, but of one thing I was 100% certain; my visit would culminate in a trip to one of the many airports, and I'd be getting myself a one-way ticket out of here.

It was just a question of when.

_Welcome to New York - The Empire State!_


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you so much for your reviews everyone, they make me smile like this =D Had me on Cloud Nine haha, glad people are enjoying this!

Hope everyone had a great New Year, I know I did ^_^

I ran like I had never ran before.

When I had left Forks, I had moved like a demon, eager to leave it all behind, and my mind was churning so quickly that I had hardly realised where I was and my journey had passed in no time at all. I had stopped just outside of Juneau, a small wintry town in Canada, and found an abandoned lodge that I set up shack in.

Now, my mind focussed on the potential horrors that had befallen my Bella, and the thought of seeking revenge on whoever had caused her pain, made my return to our new home drag on. My legs felt as if they couldn't move quickly enough, and for once in my life I never even gave a thought to any humans who may be nearby catching a glimpse of me. I could care less about anything that didn't concern her.

Somewhere, in the deepest depths of my brain, I was vaguely aware of a twinge of joy that I was going to see my family again. But the strength of this emotion could not compare to my fear for her right now.

Darkness fell, and eventually, I reached Seattle, and was overcome by the voices in my head. It had been so long since I had heard another's thoughts that I was completely unprepared for the yelling suddenly in my head, and it took me aback; I slowed down for a second, clutching a hand to my head, trying as hard as I could to block the voices out. I mentally adjusted to having them there, putting them back into their place as the usual indescernible buzz I was used to.

I allowed myself a moment of surprise that the scent of the humans, the sound of their beating hearts, pulses throbbing, had ignited no response in me despite the fact I had not fed in months. My mind was so consumed with thoughts of Bella that the smell was no more than a putrid odour to my nostrils. Maybe she had been right... maybe I _had_ been strong enough never to hurt her. I soldiered on.

Eventually, I was out of the crowded suburbs, and if it was physically possible I tried to pick up the pace. We hadn't moved as far away as Bella had imagined; Carlisle had managed to get a last-minute transfer to a hospital in Portland. I opted for the quickest route to our new home, running through the forest parallel to the I-5. I barrelled through the trees, barely noticing branches hitting my body, ignoring a herd of deer scatter in shock as I flew past them. When I reached the edge of the forest surrounded the house I heard the all-too familiar voice of my sister, and inwardly smiled; I could not bring it to reach my face.

_Hurry up, Edward... I saw him co-... "I hear him!"_

Her gleefull voice spurred me on even further, and within minutes our newest home was in clear view. The front door had been opened for me. I didn't slow down until I was in the middle of the living room, my family's eyes on me.

In under a second I was tackled by a pixie-like ball, her arms around me as she planted a firm kiss on my cheek. _"I missed you so, so much... please, don't leave me again."_

I turned to my mother, second in the queue; she hugged me joyfully. All I wanted to do was speak of Bella, but I could hear how ecstatic she was, could feel how much she had missed me, and so I impatiently greeted each of them in turn - surprised that even Rosalie came forward with a hug - until only Emmett was left.

He came forward, snorting. "What the hell happened to you?" Through his mind's eye I could see myself, clothes shabby, covered in leaves and twigs. I shrugged, and he smiled._ "I'm not letting you leave again, you nearly killed Esme!"_ A smile tugged on the corner of my lips and he conceded defeat as he initiated his one-armed man hug._ "OK, I guess I missed you too. But it was a lot of fun messing around with your CDs."_

I pulled away, looking him dead in the eye, enraged. It had taken me hour- _focus, Edward, focus, not important!_ I corrected myself, setting a mental reminder to maul him later.

I turned my attention once more to the rest of my family. Carlisle was sitting beside Esme, her hand in his as she nervously looked to him; this was worrying. Alice had her eyes planted firmly on me - now I concentrated I noticed they were as swarthy was my own. Jasper was firing calming waves towards me; I shot him a look of disdain and he gave the tiniest of shrugs.

_"Sorry, bro, but I can't take anything else from you right now. It's too much..."_

I nodded. I couldn't really argue with that - I knew how hard Jasper had found it to be around me after we left Forks. Emmett was looking at me attentively, and Rosalie was studying her perfect fingernails.

I gulped, once more looking round my family, waiting for someone to break the uneasy silence. They were all keeping their thoughts closely guarded; Alice was reciting the Periodioc Table, Emmett the current baseball standings, Jasper was focussing entirely on calming the mood, Esme was overjoyed to have me home and Rosalie was pondering whether or not she needed an extra coat of polish on her nails. I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat.

"Well...?"

Carlisle stood up, looking slightly nervous. This put my back up instantly; Carlisle never, ever looked even the slighest bit ruffled. When I had assisted him in the hospital years ago, even when he was brought patients clearly on their death bed, I had never witnessed Carlisle deviate from his poker face, until now.

"It's Bella," he said lowly, his eyes not quite meeting my own.

I was in no mood for pleasantries. "I was aware of that," I replied, somewhat rudely. I had been accomodating as they fussed over me; now I wanted to know what on earth was going on.

"Charlie phoned me today..." he trailed off, looking to his wife, who nodded briskley. "She's gone."

If I had had a heart, it would have stopped. "W...What do you mean?" I replied, struggling for breath. Gone? She _can't_ be dead, not now... I did, of course, realise one day she would die, but in leaving her I had hoped to secure her a long and happy life, to experience all those human things that made one's life complete, to perish an old woman with hardly any memory of me... what had been the point in me leaving if she was already gone?! I sank to my knees, the pain in my eyes evident as I looked up at my father.

He moved to my side in the blink of an eye, placing one cool hand on my shoulder. "No, Edward, I don't mean she's... _gone_ gone," he countered quickly, and I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. How could I live, knowing she had died so suddenly, so prematurely? "She ran away... she left Charlie a note."

I raised my eyebrows. How very un-Bella. It had killed her to leave Charlie when she had a rabid vampire on her tail, and I could hardly belief she had left him voluntarily. Had this been some ploy to get me to return home?

"Are you... sure?" I replied, uncertainly.

Alice loudly broke into my mind. _"Don't be so stupid, Edward, he's not lying. We're worried because I can't find where she's gone."_

I was on my feet in an instant, rounding on Alice. "You've _looked_?!" I roared angrily; Jazz instinctively let out a low growl and in a flash he was between me and Alice. I could feel him trying to send more calming waves towards me, but it was far, far too late for that now.

In her mind's eye, I saw the memory of her unfulfilled search, and something inside me snapped. I turned to Carlisle, ignoring them completely. If I had been angry before, now, I was livid. "You _told_ her to look?!" I bellowed, all pretences of showing him respect gone. I had specifically told them to leave her, to let her get on with her life-

"Edward, she obviously needs help!" he snapped back, standing to his feet; I had never seen Carlisle so defensive. "She left because of _you_! She can't stand to be there anymore!"

I paused. It hurt, to know that she was clearly in a great deal of pain, if not as much as I was, but a huge part of me couldn't help but think this was for the best. I had made a promise to her, and myself, that I wouldn't interfere in her life any further, that I would stay the hell away and not cause her any more trouble, and if her leaving Forks was what it took for her to move on from this and forget all about me, so the better.

Of course, the protective beast within me reared it's head at this; in one tiny town she managed to find trouble and danger at every given turn, and who knew where she could be now?! Instinctively, I was all for leaping out of the window and tracking her, making sure she was OK, but I couldn't. If I went anywhere near her I'd never be able to keep control, I'd never be able to leave her again.

My voice was quiet now. "Maybe it's for the best."

_"We need to do something!"_ Alice proclaimed. I turned to her once more; Jasper had yet to return to his spot on the sofa beside her.

"We do nothing," I answered her dully.

"I told you!" Rosalie exclaimed triumphantly, her gaze on Carlisle. "I told you not to tell him!" Her thoughts were jubilant, that she finally had the one over on him. She loved to be right. I saw a flash of a memory in Rosalie's mind, from earlier today. An argument with my father... her telling them I _loved_ Bella... her flying from the room, attempting to prove her point by going a pointless drive for an hour before coming home with her tail between her legs, angry that Emmett hadn't followed.

Carlisle took a slow breath. "I thought you'd want to know."

"Well... thank-you," I said, regaining my composure, briefly inclining my head in his direction. "But I promised Bella it would be as if I never existed. Every time something happens in her life we can't go swooping back..."

_"I still see her becoming one of us, Edward!"_ I cringed as Alice showed me her thoughts; still my Bella, still amazingly beautiful, but a harsher beauty, more angles and chiselled features, face as pale as snow, her eyes glowing blood red-

"NO!" I roared, my poise flying directly out the window. "I will **NOT** condemn her to this!" _She's too good for that_, I added, in my mind.

Jasper spoke quietly for the first time in our debate. "She wants to be with you, Edward. Forever." He paused. "For better or for worse." He gestured around the room. "This being worse. She was willing to give up her life, her family, her _mortality_ for you!" he added, his voice strengthening.

"She'll get over it," I said firmly. "Humans are fickle. Things change."

"And will _you_ change?" Esme asked quietly, her eyes on the floor.

I paused too long, and answered, entirely unconvincingly, "Yes." _No, I won't._

Emmett snorted derisively.

"I'm doing this for her! I have to save her," I retorted instantly, my voice too fast for any human ears to hear.

Rosalie gave a loud, obnoxious sigh. "This is ridiculous!" she said, still looking at her nails. "You're all going round in circles. Edward made his choice, to spare the _human_-"

"Her name is Bella!" Alice cut her off shrilly, glaring. Rosalie looked up and glowered straight back.

"Same difference. She'll have a life now," she said, her tone harsh, but her mind conveying her true meaning. I reeled in shock; I had known in an instant that Rosalie was jealous of Bella because I loved her, and she couldn't believe her own looks held no allure for me compaired to this human girl she considered "plain". But I had never, ever heard this before; I knew Rosalie longed for a human life, for a child, and now, in some strange way, she was trying to give this to Bella, lest she regret her life like Rose did. I looked at her in awe and she turned away in shame.

_"You tell anyone and I'll have your balls for earrings!"_

"But she doesn't want that," Jasper said impatiently. "She wants to be one of us!" This turn of events was surprising - Jasper had stayed relatively free of opinion on Bella, but I could feel his guilt, could hear him imagining a life without Alice, regretting our pain of separation. He felt genuine empathy for Bella, and he was picturing her as part of our family. If that was what it took to make me happy, as far as he was concerned, he was whole-heartedly behind the idea.

Emmett turned to his wife, taking her hand, and said softly, "I know you hate this, Rose. But would you give me up, to be human again?"

"_Never,_" her voice screamed instantly. She looked him dead in the eye, a look conveying love and trust and forever. "No," she replied meekly, touching his face affectionately with her free hand. I looked away - it was almost painful to watch such a delicate caress, such a display of ardour.

"There you go."

We all stayed quiet for a moment, six pairs of eyes turned towards me, waiting, waiting...

_"Edward, please,"_ I heard my mother's voice, loud and clear. _"I want you to be happy. **We** want you to be happy. I love Bella, we all love Bella, just please go get her and bring her home. She should be with us, you know it. She wants to be with us, this is just as unfair to her as it is to you. She's your destiny."_

I cleared my throat, cutting Esme off as I felt myself waver.

"We stay out of it." I sighed. "She might want to become one of us, but I can't let that happen. We stay out of it," I repeated, trudging away to the stairs and heading for my bedroom.

No-one said anything... they simply watched me leave, feelings of disappointment and surprise radiating from everyone but Rosalie - her voice was of approval.

_"I'm going to find her, Edward!"_ Alice called after me . I opened my mouth to protest, but I knew my little sister was as stubborn as I was, and when her mind was set like this no amount of threats, (verbal or physical), would talk her out of it.

I watched her mind as she tried to focus once more on Bella but came up short of any dependable findings, merely seeing a nameless airport over and over again.

"If you can find her, Alice," I muttered, slamming my bedroom door closed behind me.

A large, selfish, guilt-ridden part of me hoped she could.


	8. Chapter 8

As always, thanks so much for your reviews and constructive criticism, really appreciating all the feedback! ^_^

This shouldn't have taken me so long but I've spent the past couple of days in bed not well, as a result I'm really not happy with this chapter in general so I'll try and make sure the next one's a bit better.

I've also made a small change to an error that no-one seems to have noticed, or if you have you're all keeping schtum =P I mistakenly had Edward return to Forks but, of course, the Cullens have moved - a mistake that comes from writing in the wee hours of the morning haha. So I've changed that.

ALICE

My excitement at my brother's return had very, very rapidly turned to anger and resentment.

I could hardly believe it was the same person as I listened to him, ignoring me and basically agreeing with Rosalie - I mean, come on. _Rosalie_?! I could already foresee her trying to find me alone later to gloat. I felt betrayed, for myself and for Bella.

I watched his retreating back as he headed for the stairs, my eyes furious; how could he leave her? He was condemning her to God knows what, and clearly she wasn't in a sane frame of mind, if she had been so grief-ridden she had left her father. Anything could happen to her! I had been clutching onto my vision of Bella, transformed, as a reassurance that eventually Edward would come to his senses and give in to their destiny, but this changed everything.

_Or did it?_ I closed my eyes, and despite my inability to find anything pertaining to Bella's immediate future, I could still see her as one of us, the vision as unyielding as ever. I didn't stop to think about what this meant, instead raising my inner voice and firing one last parting shot at my brother.

_"I'm going to find her, Edward!"_

There was no doubt in my mind about this. I would walk to the ends of the earth to find the girl I considered a best friend, a future sister. I tried once more to find where she was, but again came up short, with vision after vision of a nameless airport.

I could almost hear the disbelief in his voice; clearly he could see I was having difficulties. "If you can find her, Alice," he muttered, loud enough for all of us to hear. I resisted the urge to scream in frustration as he slammed his bedroom door shut.

We sat in silence, Jasper sitting back down beside me, taking one of my hands in his and rubbing small circles in my back soothingly.

"That went..." Carlisle began, clearly at a loss for words.

"Terribly," Esme finished, sighing as she cast her eyes up in the direction of Edward's room. I could tell she was itching to go up after him, to comfort her son.

All of our heads turned as we heard music coming from his room. Emmett gave a loud snort as he recognised the dulcet tones of Chris Carrabba. "Emo little prick."

"Emmett!" Esme chastised automatically - she had started to get to her feet, but sat back down as soon as she heard the music. When Edward was in one of these moods there was no point going anywhere near him; he was like a whiny teenager, and about as responsive as a brick wall. I was just happy he hadn't taken off again.

"No wonder. I mean, what the hell was that all about?!" he retorted defensively, rolling his eyes. "And I _hate_ this song."

"Yes Emmett, I'm sure he's really wondering what you're going to think of his song choice right now," Rosalie replied dryly, always eager to pick a fight. She liked to play on Emmett's temper; I suspected it had something to do with their house-breaking make-up sex.

Emmett shot her a look of contempt, but before this could turn into one of their familiar childish squabbles, I cut in.

"I don't care what he says," I began, my voice conveying that I couldn't be dissuaded. "I'm going to find her. He doesn't run our family," I added, irritated about his earlier power trip.

"He does have a say here Alice... this is about Bella," Carlisle said softly, defending him.

"He's not the only one who loves her," I said defiantly. "Besides... I can still see her as one of us. Clear as day. He's going to cave in, eventually."

I pictured Bella as one of us once more and couldn't help but smile. I couldn't wait for her to join our family and as far as I was concerned, the sooner Edward pulled himself out of his stubborn self-pitying funk, the better.

They all looked at me, uncertainly, apart from Jasper; he never had any doubt in me, in my visions. In fact, he probably trusted them too implicitly.

I got to my feet; like my shadow, Jasper was right there behind me. "I'm going."

"Where?" Esme called after me, as I walked briskly to the door, swiping Edward's car keys from the stoop; _"If you're not going to help me, then they're all mine, brother,"_ I thought, jangling the keys for emphasis, knowing that in spite of himself he would be listening. There was no reply from upstairs, so I took that as an "OK."

"To find her," I replied, throwing my family one last wave and a smile before dashing to the car and jumping into the driver's seat, Jazz hot on my heels.

"You don't have to come, you know," I mumbled to him as we pulled out of the driveway, my foot to the floor as the spedometer climbed rapidly.

He took one of my hands, making me turn to face him, his eyes boring solidly into mines. "I know. I want to," he smiled, that amorous smile that turned my legs to jelly and filled my body with an inexplicable warmth. I would happily do nothing but look at that smile for the whole of eternity, that secret smile reserved for me, that conveyed so much in just a simple turning of the mouth. "We go together, Alice. Always."

I smiled as he kissed my cheek, turning my eyes back to the road, checking I was in the right lane as Jazz fiddled with the radio. Best to start from the beginning.

-

Thanks to my manic driving, less than two hours later we were in Forks. I tried to keep us inconspicious, sticking to the quietest of the already quiet roads, trying as best I could to avoid passing any humans; whilst I had been shut up in the house, miserable at the loss of my brother and Bella, it had been easy to ignore my growing thirst, but now that the scent of humans lingered everywhere venom was pooling in my mouth, and I found the beast within clawing to get out, to strike.

As I pulled into the forest beside Bella's house, driving deep into the trees to conceal the car, Jazz squeezed one of my hands.

"We hunt, first," he said pointedly, removing the keys from the ignition and leaning across me to open my door. I nodded my agreement, and in less than a second we were speeding through the trees into a deeper part of the woods, Jasper hot on my heels.

Luckily, at this time of night most people were in their homes, and we didn't come anywhere near any humans; we easily took down a few deer, me drinking deeply until my thirst was satiated and my eyes glowed amber once more. Jasper swiftly unrooted a tree and we deposited the carcasses underneath before returning the great oak to it's original spot - no point in leaving anything unusual to worry the humans.

We moved rapidly back to Bella's house, a quick peek in the driveway and a sniff of the air confirmed that the police chief was working late. I used the spare key I had used once before to get into the house, unmoved from it's original spot, and within seconds we were inside. I wrinkled my nose. It smelled dusty, unclean, and the stench of rotting food from the kitchen filled my nostrils - clearly Charlie had been wallowing in grief and ignoring the household chores since Bella had left. In just two days he had managed to make a considerable amount of mess.

"What are we looking for?" Jasper asked in his familiar low tone, seeming reluctant to touch anything - I could tell from the look on his face that Charlie's lingering scent was overwhelming him, despite our feeding just minutes before.

I pondered his question carefully; I really didn't know. My gut had been to go to Bella's home and work forward from there, but I wasn't sure what to look for. By this point, it would be hard to track her - her scent would be vanishing, diminishing by the minute, the trail running cold.

I shrugged. "Anything that might help us find where she went."

Jasper narrowed his eyes at me, but said nothing. "I'll check upstairs," he mumbled, flying up the stairway soundlessly as I scanned the living room.

There wasn't much to see. The remote was lying on the one-seater, a few crumpled cans of beer littering the floor around it, a pizza box tossed onto the larger sofa. I sighed.

"Oh, Charlie," I said quietly, walking gently through to the kitchen. Nothing more to see here; a stack of dishes beside the sink, a couple of newspapers on the dining table. I let out a low sigh once more. Maybe this was pointless.

"Alice?"

I was upstairs in two seconds flat; I found Jazz in a plain room I had never been in before, with grey painted walls and an unmade double bed. This had to be Charlie's room.

He was brandishing a piece of paper, his eyebrows furrowed.

"This was on his bedside table."

I gingerly took the paper from his hand and read it, comforted by one of his strong hands round my waist and as he sat gingerly at the end of the bed. One look at the hastily scribbled handwriting told me who this was from.

_Dad,_

_I'm sorry, but I have to go. I don't know where I'm going or how long I'll be gone, but I can't stay here anymore, it's too hard._

_Don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I'll stay safe, and maybe when I'm better I'll come home._

_I love you Dad, look after yourself._

_Bella_

_xxx_

I read the letter twice, my keen eyesight noticing a few dried in circles that had been splattered with salty tears; whether they belonged to Charlie or Bella, I couldn't be sure. Jasper placed the letter back to it's original position and smoothed out the imprint he had left on the sheets, wrapping his arms around me.

"Maybe that's why you can't see her... _she_ doesn't even know where she's going," he whispered into my hair, cradling me gently, sensing my upset, surrounding me in loving vibes.

I felt utterly useless. We had no real way of finding her, and as much as we had all teased Edward for being so paranoid about Bella, I couldn't help but realise he had been right; humans were so fragile, so delicate and breakable, and there were so many things that could happen to Bella before we ever got the chance to reach her. I could never, ever forgive myself if something happened to her before we discovered her. I wanted her safe beside me, now.

We stood like that for five minutes, Jasper lovingly stroking my hair as gradually he soothed my emotions and returned me to a state of quiet calm. He pulled away and I looked up into the eyes of my saviour, silently thanking him.

"What do we do now?"

I let out exhaled loudly. "I don't know, Jazz. I really, really don't know."

He led me downstairs and we rapidly locked the house, speeding to the car. Jasper unlocked it and sat down in the driving seat, opening one of the windows a crack so he could feel the air on his face. He took a deep breath, sniffing the air, his eyes alert and focussed.

I sat down beside him, not bothering with my seatbelt, and looked at him questioningly with one eyebrow raised.

"I'm going to try and track her," he replied, in way of explanation. "I want you to keep looking."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N - Sorry about the major delay everyone. I really don't like this chapter; again, it's a bit of a filler gone wrong haha. But it's an update so bleh, now I can get on with the interesting stuff!

As I mentioned, Uni's still pretty hectic, so I'd be hoping to update soon but we'll see how it goes after I get my essay handed in on Thursday.

Hope everyone's good and as always reviews are greatly appreciated ^_^

As I drove unsurely through the unfamiliar city streets, I realised it was true what they said; this was the city that never slept.

It had just gone two in the morning, yet you could feel the buzz in the air, and despite my exhaustion I grinned. This atmosphere was uplifting, exciting, and I already found myself spellbound. I pulled into an empty parking space and stretched out, pausing for a moment to watch the world around me.

A woman strolled past in heels, perfect make-up and Louis Vuitton bag, chatting on a cell phone as she walked a Chihuahua with a hot pink collar. Two suits walked swiftly by her in the opposite direction, briefcases swinging, stern expressions on their faces. Across the street, a glass wall revealed a gym, where every machine was occupied, lean-looking people pounding away on treadmills.

Feeling some form of happiness for the first time in months, I took the keys from the ignition and hopped out of the truck, grabbing my bag and hauling it over my back. As I strolled uncertainly down the street, I couldn't help but think how glaringly obvious it must be that I wasn't a native - as if to confirm my suspicions, a drunk-looking girl called across the street to me, "You looking for something, hon?"

She was on her own and posed no immediate threat, so after dodging a few yellow cabs (even the roads were mobbed!) I joined her. "Actually, yeah," I replied.

She smiled at me - she had a warm, friendly face, and reminded me a lot of Angela Weber. I felt a twinge as I thought of Angela; she'd be worried, I'd really have to call or write or something...

"Need a hand?"

"Em, please... where's the nearest hotel?"

She laughed lightly. "There are hotels everywhere here! You looking for anything in particular?"

"A warm bed will do me just fine," I smiled back.

"Well..." she paused, tapping a heel as she looked around her. "There's a Radison, just round the block?"

Not cheap, but I had a fair stash of college money left, and I haven't even started on the emergency card yet; plus, I wasn't planning on staying too long. "That'd be perfect."

"Right, well..." she looked to the nearest street sign. "We're on 6th and 30th right now, you wanna go thataway-" she pointed north, "til you're on 32nd. When you see the sign, take a right."

"Thank you so much, em... " I said gratefully, trailing off as I realised I never knew her name.

"Angie." I raised my eyebrows and laughed. Someone was watching over me.

"I'm Bella," I nodded in reply.

"Well, you enjoy your stay!" she said happily, wandering off with a wave. I left the truck where I had parked it and walked briskly in the direction she had pointed, soaking up the city air; I let out a low whistle as I looked up and caught sight of a huge, illuminated building. The Empire State Building. I had seen pictures, of course, but nothing could prepare you for how breathtaking it was in real life. I paused for a moment, suddenly feeling very small and insignificant as I looked up at this wondrous building.

A passer-by grinned at me as he caught my eye, breaking me out of my spell. I walked on quickly and found myself in the doorway of the Radison; it was beautiful for a hotel, very expensive looking. The doorman gave me a smile as he opened the door for me.

"Welcome, ma'am," he said, with a courteous nod of his head and a huge smile. This really was a friendly city.

I quickly got myself checked in, surprised that the nightly rate was a lot lower than I thought, and ditched my bag in my room. I flopped down onto my bed and closed my eyes; within a minute I realised it was pointless and there was no way I was going to be able to sleep. Eyes bright and body pulsing with adrenaline, I had a brief freshen up, ran a brush through my hair, changed my top, had sent me and ran for the door.

"Have a good one," the doorman nodded once more as he let me out.

"Oh, I will!" I smiled back, practically bouncing. It wasn't hard to find the Empire State Building; it was towering over me, only a two minute walk from the hotel. I gazed up at it for a moment, awestruck, before darting in the door and to the queue.

The lift was the quickest I had ever been in, and I could hardly believe that I had just climbed 86 floors in less than 60 seconds. Nothing could prepare me for what I saw when I got outside.

City lights of enormously tall buildings as far as the eye could see, in one direction. A river, to the other. I could hardly believe how enormous New York was, as I watched the cars rolling through the streets, tiny dots far below me; it hit me that for every light I could see there was at least one person, and my mind boggled. I wondered why they were all here, what their lives were like, their worries, what made them happy...

"Frankie, if you drop that camera, I'm going to throttle you!"

I turned to see the trace of the unfamiliar accent, and found myself looking at a tall, slim but toned boy with striking cheekbones and a well cut jaw, his green eyes alight with laughter. I followed them to find a slim, pretty girl with glossy brown hair standing right at the edge of the concrete, her camera thrust out to the very edge of the wall, pointed down into the city streets.

She turned to him with a grin. "If I don't hold it still off this the pictures go all blurry!"

He walked over to her, taking her hand and pulling her away. They looked at the map he was holding.

"What direction are we looking in?" she asked, furrowing her brows slightly.

"Here," he pointed on the map, folding it up and wrapping his arms around her from behind. He cuddled her tight and I heard him say, in a low voice, "You know those perfect moments you were talking about earlier?"

"Mhm?" she replied, nestled closing to him.

"This is one of them," he sighed happily, turning her face to his and giving her a short, loving kiss. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she exhaled, kissing him more passionately, intensely this time. I looked away jealously as I felt tears stinging my eyes. They looked like they were destined to be together, so happy, so in love, and that was all I longed for. I _had_ been that happy, I _was_ that in love, and I knew in my heart of hearts Edward was my destiny. He just didn't seem to think so.

I discreetly and angrily brushed away the tears threatening to fall. There were going to be happy couples all around me, and I had to get used to it. Starting now.

"Excuse me?"

I looked up to see the brunette haired girl smiling at me, still soaring on her happy cloud of love. I raised my eyebrows enquiringly.

"Would you mind taking a picture of us?" she asked, and I could see her beautiful blue eyes looking at my own with concern - _stupid observant people_!

"Of course!" I replied, falsetto happiness bursting through my voice as I extended my hand to take her camera.

"Thanks a lot," she said, looking unconvinced by my act but handing it over. "Just that button there."

I quickly snapped a shot of them both smiling happily and exposing perfect teeth - they were going to have some mighty fine looking kids one day - and handed it back. "It's a good one," I said, laughing as the girl checked the camera and pulled a face.

"Don't you dare delete that!" her boyfriend said hastily, grabbing the camera from her hand and turning it off. He turned to me. "Cheers. So, where are you from?"

Damnit, I wasn't getting away that easily. "Forks?" I replied, a slight question in my voice. I was met with two blank stares. "Em, near Seattle."

This seemed familiar to them. "Oh, cool!" The girl smiled.

"What about you?" I asked, feeling it would be rude to leave the conversation at that.

"Scotland," the boy replied, somewhat proudly. "Which, by the way, is _not_ in England."

I laughed. I knew that, but I was also very aware the majority wouldn't. "Annoying, huh?"

"A pain," he nodded, and we all looked out towards the skyline for a moment, in a not entirely uncomfortable silence.

"So, where are you staying, ....?" the girl trailed off awkwardly.

"Bella, my name is Bella," I introduced myself. "And at the Radison Martinique."

"Oh, us too!" she said gleefully, "We'll walk you round." Evidently, she had gathered I had no company. "I'm Frances, but my friends call me Frankie, and this is Gordon."

"Nice to meet you," I said sincerely, and I was happy to have gotten talking to someone. I was going to have to make some new friends, and while I had never been completely withdrawn, I wasn't exactly confident, either. Maybe it wouldn't be as difficult as I thought.

I walked back to the hotel with them, and quickly found out that they were both 19, and had been in Orlando before travelling up to New York for a few days. Despite my initial nausea at their coupley-happiness, they weren't acting quite so touchy-feely now, and I began to relax as we chatted away in the lobby. Thankfully, they weren't very nosy, and so I was able to gloss over my reasons for being in New York with relatively little questioning - they accepted I was doing some travelling.

Eventually, when Gordon started to fall asleep, Frankie shook him a little.

"C'mon, sleepyhead. Time to call it a night."

He stood up, looking a little disorientated, and waved me goodnight. Frankie held back a little as he walked to the elevators.

"Listen, Bella, we're here for another couple of days. We're in room 263, so if you need any help with anything, or just, y'know, want to go for lunch or something...?"

"I will, thanks a lot," I said happily, making a mental note of the number. "Goodnight, Frankie."

"Sweet dreams!" she smiled, jogging a little as she jumped into the lift.

I watched her go and grinned to myself. Maybe this being out on my own thing wasn't going to be as bad as I thought.

*

The next two days passed in one happy blur. I done everything a tourist possibly could do; I went and had a picnic in Central Park with my new-found friends, explored the largest shop in the world, (but only bought the bare essentials - I had to be careful with my cash,), went to Ground Zero, took the ferry to Staten Island to see Lady Liberty... Frankie had persuaded me to buy a cheap digital camera to document my experiences, so I luckily had this all on film.

The night before the pair were due to go home, we all went for dinner at the Times Square Hard Rock Café. I shouldn't have; I had to watch my funds closely, but I was going to miss them, despite only having known them for three days time. I let my mind wander as we had our meal, thinking of what lay ahead... I had seen everything there was to see in New York, and it wasn't as if I could stay to spend time shopping. I had bought some basics from Macy's; plain vest tops, a hoodie, a couple of pairs of jeans, some new underwear, and I had packed my holdall before we left tonight, ready to go. But to go where?

"Bella?"

Frankie's voice snapped me out of my reverie, and I looked up into concerned blue eyes.

"You OK?"

I gave her a smile. "Fine."

"I thought we'd lost you there," she nodded, returning my grin and tucking back into her meal. She chewed thoughtfully, then looked back up to me. "So..."

"Mhm?"

She paused. "What are you going to do now?"

I took a long time to answer this question. It had been fairly obvious, during conversation, that I didn't want to discuss much of my past, and they avoided asking. However, Frankie was extremely perceptive, and I had no doubt in my mind she was aware that I was running from something, and that I wasn't stopping here. I shrugged. "I'm not sure."

She raised an eyebrow worryingly. "Are you going to stay in New York?" she pressed on; Gordon was watching me intently, his meal forgotten.

"I don't know."

"Bella..." Gordon spoke, looking at me attentively, his green eyes trained onto mines. "We're a little worried. I mean, you don't know anyone in New York... what if something were to-"

"I'll be fine," I cut in hastily. They exchanged looks. "I'm a big girl," I added with a smile, trying to lighten the sombre mood that had rapidly invaded our table.

Frankie cleared her throat. "Listen, Bella... why don't you come back with us? You could stay in Scotland for a while, yknow... stay at my place. See the sights. Just til you work out what you're doing..."

I paused. It was such a gracious offer, and I was tempted, sorely tempted; if I was being honest, now that I had gotten over the rashness of my departure, my violent emotions, I was feeling scared and apprehensive about what was to come now. About being alone again. "Frankie..."

"You don't have to, don't feel pressured," she said quickly. "I just feel guilty leaving you. And I'd love you to come."

"Maybe I will, one day..." I trailed off, looking between them. "But not now. Thank you, though. So much. Really."

They both smiled warmly back at me.

"The offer's always there, OK?"

I nodded. I would visit. I didn't know when, but I would. "Thanks."

*

I slept badly that night, my mind whirling with thoughts of aloneness and the future, yet for some reason I bounded out of bed with less than two hours sleep. I had been encompassed with a sudden drive, a sudden desire to get up and go, get the hell out of New York and get on with my running. It seemed some sleep was all I needed to clarify that there was really nothing for me here, and I had realised that instead of running for a while then going home with my tail between my legs, I wanted to start a new life, away from Forks and all of the memories it held for me. Could I see myself settling here? If I was honest with myself, the answer was a big, fat, resounding no.

Not to say I didn't like the city - far from it. But something told me I wasn't meant to live here. I felt more like a tourist every step I took. Besides, living here wouldn't be cheap; I'd struggle to find somewhere to live, and I doubted it'd be easy to find a job, either.

All of this progress took me to where I was standing now; at a very crowded JFK, with Frankie and Gordon, my stuffed hold-all in one hand, my purse in the other.

"This is the last call for flight GLA8597, departing at 12:30 for Glasgow," the tannoy voice called across the airport.

Frankie bit her lip, torn between going and staying with me. "Bella, are you sure...?" she began uneasily, and I knew what she was going to say.

I gave her a reassuring hug. "I will visit, one day," I promised, pulling back and looking straight into her rapidly welling up blue eyes. "Just not now."

"I'm gonna miss you," she sighed.

"I'm going to miss you too," I said sincerely, unusually feeling my own eyes sting with tears; I hadn't realised how much I would until now. "_Both_ of you." I wasn't good in emotional situations at all, and this made me feel extremely uncomfortable. "Now get going before that plane leaves without you," I grinned, trying to diffuse the sadness that had descended.

Gordon enveloped me in a huge hug. "Take care of yourself, Bella."

"And please e-mail us and let us know where you end up!" Frankie added hastily.

"I will," I nodded. This was it. Goodbye, for now.

I watched as they walked over to the gate, handing their tickets over to the attendant. I waved back as Frankie waved enthusiastically; with a nod of Gordon's head towards me, he wrapped his arm around his girlfriend and they turned, then were gone.

I suddenly felt very alone. I was insanely jealous - I wished it was me, travelling with the one I loved. But now I was out in the big bad world, with all of my posessions in one bag, not a clue where I was going.

I thought remorsefully of my truck, wishing I could have taken it. I fingered the keys in my pocket, wondering how long it would be before it was towed and scrapped as I studied the departures board above my head. It had been the nicest present I had ever been given... I could hardly believe how considerate and thoughtful Charlie had been...

_Not now, Bella,_ I stopped myself with a jerk of my head, focussing intently on the board. Orlando Sanford, Buffalo, Toronto... something near the bottom of the board stopped me and I couldn't help the huge grin that suddenly erupted onto my face. Perfect.

I could picture it now; strolling past that famous river, (the name escaped me,), wearing a silly little hat and eating a baguette. I walked rapidly to the nearest desk, smiling up at the lady behind it.

"Can I help you, miss?" she returned my smile.

"I was wondering if there were any tickets left for the 3 o'clock flight to Orly airport?"

"One way?" I nodded. She tapped away at the keys on her computer with manicured hands and inclined her head. "Yes. First class only."

I couldn't care less, at this point. Now this grand plan was forming in my head, I could practically smell the croissants. "Slap it on this," I said, placing my emergency credit card on the desk.

She raised her perfectly plucked eyebrows, but said nothing. She tapped furiously a little more, before handing my card back to me, a ticket wrapped around it. "Enjoy your flight."


End file.
